Salad of Doom
Words by S. J. Tucker & Betsy Tinney, music by S. J. Tucker
Guitars, vocals: S. J. Tucker
Cello: Betsy Tinney
Army of Croutons: Michelle Dockrey, Torrey Stenmark, David Tinney, James Tinney, S. J. Tucker, Kevin Wiley
Damsels of Doom: Susan Lanphere, Betsy Tinney, Katie Tinney
Doom descant: Michelle Dockrey

"Salad of Doom" was written in less than twenty minutes, with Betsy and Kate, in the kitchen of their Redmond home, and in the floor of the music room next to the kitchen.  It was Vixy's birthday, a fine summer evening, and the Tinneys were hosting K's fire safety class that evening.  Because Vixy knew about the class and suspected that the house was already likely to be overrun with people, she emailed to ask if it would be all right with everyone for her to come over and play with the kittens (and bring her hubby and whether they should feed themselves, etc).  When I asked Dave, Betsy's amazing husband, he said "oh, sure! I'm gonna feed everybody with a gigantic salad bar," or somesuch other amazing sentence.  I wrote Vixy back and told her that Dave had dinner in hand with an uber-grazing salad bar of doom, and that she and her Fishy should come on over.  She responded with "wow, Dave is awesome.  I wonder if I should sing for
my supper.  Do you know any songs about salads?"
There was a beat, Betsy and I locked eyes, and I immediately started typing lyrics.  A song was born.  We retreated to the music room, giggling and grabbing for instruments.  Twenty minutes later, we emailed Vixy back with an mp3 and said "We do now."  She responded with "falls off chair. Woman! I was kidding!"

About the recording: 
I think the only other time I've had such fun getting a goofy choir together was when we tracked "In the House of Mama Dragon" for Haphazard in 2003-2004.  This time, though, there's video.  I'll be linking to that soon.  I wish we could have had even more damsels of doom and crunching crouton militia members.  Special thanks to Tony for gently wrangling all of these tempting and colorful veggie singers, and also for boosting a couple of moments of comedic timing in the mix.

Interesting facts: 
Betsy's been doing the chilling cello slide after the "iceberg lettuce" line since the day we wrote the song.  I think it's a stroke of genius.  Also, the ladies in the crowd have a tendency to echo her at shows, as if going "DOOM nom nom DOOM nom nom" weren't already fun enough!  I love it.
[profile] omnistiK has masterminded utensil-schtick during live performances of this song.  Observe.


Lyrics:
Beware the Bleu Cheese of Redmond
and the honey-mustard of gloom
Be careful how you stick your fork into
the Notorious Salad of Doom

An army of croutons comes crunching
while sinister spinach doth creep
invading the heart of your luncheon
and stirring your belly from sleep

Tempting and colorful veggies
seek only to draw you in
and learning your fate, you'll find it's too late
as dressing drips from your chin!

iceberg lettuce
will come to chill your soul
don't say we didn't warn you
as you blindly fill up your bowl!
Oh, HEADS OF LETTUCE WILL ROLL!  Ho!

Dress it in flowers and clover,
but it consumes you still!
In leather and lace,
past the bounds of good taste,
this salad is dressed to kill!

The popping of cherry tomatoes
resounds throughout the land!
Innocence lost when the salad was tossed,
but Dave was just feeding the band!!

Iceberg lettuce
will come to chill your soul
don't say we didn't warn you
as you blithely fill up your bowl, oh,
heads of lettuce will roll!

Oh, Health nuts, seek other nutrition!
Vegans, best run from the room!
Be careful how you stick your fork into
the Notorious Salad of Doom

Woe to the grazers of green things,
whose stomachs will growl all too soon!
We'll lose all we love in the tastiness of
The Notorious Salad of Doom


Special thanks to Dave, Betsy, and Kate, and to Vixy and her birthday party, the first audience this song ever had (falling out of their chairs).
.

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